An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a job as chauffeur to a rich lady.
'I'm such a good driver,' said The Englishman, 'I can go within six inches of a cliff edge without driving over.'
'I can go within an inch of The edge of a cliff without driving over,' said The Scotsman.
'And how close to The cliff edge can you drive?' The lady asked The Irishman.
'I keep as far away from cliffs with The car as I possibly can,' said The Irishman.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe!'
The Englishman had a big dog and The Irishman and The Scotsman asked him what breed it was.
'It's a cross between a Scotsman, an Irishman and an ape,' said The Englishman. ' In that case,' said The Irishman, 'it's related to all three of us.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were forced by a wicked witch to jump over a cliff but their fairy godmother obtained for them a concession that whatever word they spoke before they jumped they would land in.
'Feathers,' said The Englishman, and he landed on a nice soft bed of feathers.
'Cushions,' said The Scotsman, and he landed on a nice big soft cushion.
The Irishman ran up to The edge of The cliff, tripped, and, as he fell over he said, 'Oh shit!'
The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman and The Welshman were in a pub together drinking beer when a fly fell into each of The four glasses. The Englishman threw his beer away. The Irishman picked out The fly and drank The beer. The Welshman threw away his beer but ate The fly. The Scotsman drank his beer but sold his fly to The Welshman.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were invited to a fancy dress ball. They went as Alias, Smith and Jones.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were passengers on board The cross channel ferry when The Englishman fell into The sea.
The Scotsman shouted, 'man overboard, throw in a buoy', so The Irishman grabbed a little lad of eight and threw him overboard.
The Scotsman shouted, 'Not that sort of boy. I meant a cork buoy.'
'How The hell am I supposed to know what part of Ireland he comes from?' said The Irishman.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by The Devil and would be sent to Hell if they could not give him an impossible task to do. Touch The moon,' said The Englishman. The Devil did and The Englishman was sent to Hell. '
'Darken The sun,' said The Scotsman. The Devil did and The Scotsman was sent to Hell.
The Irishman thought for a moment, cleared his throat and spat on The ground. 'Swim in that,' he said to The Devil.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
'How about you?' The Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said The Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'
A rich American challenged An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman to drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes.
The Englishman tried but could manage only five pints.
The Scotsman did a bit better - he drank seven pints in ten minutes.
The Irishman downed The ten pints in nine minutes and as The American handed over The prize money he remarked. 'I didn't think you could do it.'
'I knew I could,' said The Irishman, 'because I did The same thing in The pub next door a few minutes ago.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman bought a bottle of good whiskey and marked The bottle into three clear portions - The one on The top for The Englishman, The one in The middle for The Scotsman and The one on The bottom for The Irishman. They decided to go to bed and drink The whiskey The next day.
However, when they got up The next morning, The Englishman and The Scotsman were dismayed to find that The whiskey was all gone. So they woke The Irishman from his drunken slumbers and asked him to explain.
'I felt like a drink during The night,' said The Irishman, 'so I got up and opened The bottle of whiskey, but I had to drink through your two portions to get to my own.'
The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out The Englishman.
These were The last words of our three heroes.
The Englishman: Thank God I die in England.
The Scotsman: Thank God I don't die in England.
The Irishman: How can they make any profit on this stuff at £2 a bottle?
'Wasn't it tragic about my brother Michael,' moaned Kelly. 'Women and whiskey killed him.'
'Is that so?' sympathised OToole.
'Yes, he couldn't get either so he hung himself!'
A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.
'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'
'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'
'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'
'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.
'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'
'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'
'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'
'God in heaven. So was I.'
Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'
So that'll be a thanks to IrishJokes.co.uk for the laughs!
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